I asked my best friend Donkey Douglas to come take a look at something. From his seat on the couch, he looked over at me and then quickly looked away saying, “Hell no, motherfucker!”

“Hell no yourself!” I yelled. “Get over here and help me out! Fuck it. I’ll come to you. Now, is this a spider bite or what?”

Donkey said, “No, dude. That’s definitely a dick wart.”

I said, “Shit! I thought as much. Well …” And I went and got the toaster out of the kitchen and took it to the bathroom were I’d filled the tub to the brim.

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